Lawyers are sometimes accused of taking themselves far too seriously.
Perhaps its unavoidable due to the nature of the occupation.
Nevertheless, at Lawchoice, we believe that it is important to look at the lighter side of life so are compiling a list of funny lawyer jokes from around the world.
If you know a funny joke, please do not hesitate to add to our list in the comments sections.
WARNING: Some of these jokes are in bad taste. Some are indecent. A few are obscene. But hey, we are talking about lawyers…
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting lawyer called his first witness to the stand – a grandmotherly, elderly woman.He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Kapoon, do you know me?”She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Franklin. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Kapoon, do you know the defense lawyer?”She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr.Shalon since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him.”The defense lawyer almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both Lawyers to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you are foolish enough to ask her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt of court.
What’s the Difference between a Lawyer and a Boxing Referee?
A Boxing Referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight!
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.” “Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re 82.” “How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”
As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said… ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”
His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand.”
Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.
– Contributed by Bob Dittrick
An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate
and the will. The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”
She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank.”
“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?”
The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to
notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $350,000 for my funeral.”
The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, “what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?”
The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept
with a man. Before I die, I’d like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”
“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.” That
evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.” The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow! She’s going to
let the Public Trustee bury her!”
– Contributed by Ray Martinez
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Perth to Sydney. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into his Airphone and searches the Net. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
– Contributed by Tom Gaffney
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. “Can I help you?” the madam asked.
“I want Natalie,” the old man replied.
“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…”
“No, I must see Natalie.” Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts…it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied, “I’m from Philadelphia.”
“Really?” replied Natalie. “I have family who lives there.”
“Yes, I know,” said the old man. “Your father died, and I’m your sister’s lawyer. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.”
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, QC Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, QC Campos, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”
Judge Bean and Lawyer Bilgeworth were riding horses. They cam upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman’s noose dangling from a tree, solemnly waving in the breeze.
“Bilgeworth,” said Judge Bean, “if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you’d be?”
The lawyer looked at the noose. “Riding alone,” he said.
The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man.
Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. “The first hearse carries my ex-wife’s lawyer,” the man explained. “My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate.”
The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked, “Could I borrow your dog.?”
“Okay by me, but you’re going to have to wait your turn like these other people.”
A lawyer went pig hunting for the first time in outback Queensland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a wild pig, it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and if you don’t let me get that pig, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Cunnamulla. We settle small disagreements like this with the Cunnamulla Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the pig.”
There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”
Two doctors boarded a flight out of Hobart. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a lawyer got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The lawyer kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the doctor in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the lawyer, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the doctor picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other doctor said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the lawyer obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The lawyer returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the lawyer slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer’s cows, and believed they would be his when the farmer died. Now the farmer’s son claimed ownership.
“I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”
The next day the farmer’s son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his.
“I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”
Later, his secretary asked, “How can the cows belong to both?”
“Don’t worry about the cows,” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours.”
A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies “I’m sorry but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked them.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” said the lawyer.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children,” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well.”
They all climbed into the limousine – no easy task – and one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
“No problem,” said the lawyer, “The grass in my yard is about two feet tall.”
The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer,” he said. “How much for a quickie law degree?”
“About $50,000,” the lawyer said, “But why bother?”
“That’s my business. Get me the course.”
Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
“Please, before it’s too late,” said the lawyer, “Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?”
As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, “One less lawyer.”
“And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.'”
– Pete Luchini
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn,” so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.”
So the rabbi says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It’s the pig and the cow.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Victoria? Well, the Murray river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “How do you start a flood?”
In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the horrified senior partner exclaimed. “If you do, I guarantee you’ll lose the case.”
The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer’s client.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked.
“I did send them,” the young lawyer answered, “I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, ‘I’m a lawyer.'”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! You’re a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, making love, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, already.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”
A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is a lawyer who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responds, “I ran into a lawyer.”
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”
“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”
– from Ray Martinez
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Westin Hotel, where the Australian Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
– from Andrea Swingley
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer, “Where is my Rolex?”
– from Dave Partee
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three lawyers. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer. “Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
– from Dave Partee
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer. The farmer’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker lawyer for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the farmer had signed the release and took the cheque, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, “You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old farmer replied, “Well, I’ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darn bull came home this morning.”
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
The Godfather, accompanied by his lawyer, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The accountant doesn’t answer.
The Godfather asks again, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The lawyer interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “well, ask him where the @#!* money is.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The lawyer interprets to the Godfather, ” He doesn’t know what you’re talking about ”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the hammer and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”
The lawyer signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?”
The lawyer interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
“Oh, please excuse me!” said the ever-so-polite bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!” And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.
Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?”
And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”
Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the lawyer telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!”
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2+2?”
The housewife replies: “Four!”.
The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: “How much for Engineer brain?”
“3 dollars an ounce.”
“How much for brain?”
“4 dollars an ounce.”
“How much for lawyer brain?”
“100 dollars an ounce.”
“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”
“Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
A lawyer went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”
Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”
The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”
The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol’ St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time.)
“Blow me down”, the Pope says to himself, “If he’s getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!”. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walk-up on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out “Hey Pete! What’s the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?”
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies,”Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We’re putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he’s the first lawyer to make it up here!!”
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. “Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.” “Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?” “Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Pacific Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.” Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, “I still can’t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.” So Harry yells down to the man “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”. And the man on the ground yells back “You’re in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.” George turns to Harry and says “That man must be a lawyer.” And Harry says “How can you tell?”. George says “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to a exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Tasmania. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. “Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
“Then you owe me $20.00. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a cheque for $20.00.
Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $200 due for a consultation.
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church five miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUMP.” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.” “That’s okay my son,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first said, ‘I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.’
The second said, ‘I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.’
The third said, ‘I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.’
The fourth surgeon said, ‘I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…’
The fifth one said, ‘I like to operate on lawyers; they’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night the settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please promise to be gentle,…I am still a virgin.”
This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
The bride responded…
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, “It’s gonna be great!”
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically “okay,” but he just couldn’t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, “Those who can… do; those who can’t… teach.”
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, “I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it!”
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was philatelate. .. God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, I know I’m finally going to get screwed.
A minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell. The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, “Yes, there is a place for you here,” and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a crooked lawyer he had known, and the crooked lawyer was making love to a beautiful woman.
The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. “I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that crooked lawyer gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?”
“Who are you,” said Satan, “to quarrel with that woman’s punishment?”
“You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?” “Absolutely! What’s the second question?”
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”
The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!”
The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. “Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer calmly replied. “I only have to outrun you.”
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure; after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecutor attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. “Damn,” he says. “I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.” His partner replies ” What are you worried about? We’re both here.”
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, “Hey! I resent that!”
So the first man asks, “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“NO! I’m an asshole!”
A salesman stopped for gas at a very old general store. While he was paying for the gas and an orange soda, he spied a dusty brass pig high on a shelf. He asked the old man behind the counter if he could take a closer look at the pig, but the shop keeper said that wasn’t a good idea. The salesman pressed the issue, and finally the old man gave in and climbed a ladder to retrieve the brass pig.
After dusting it off, the salesman took a liking to the object. He took a long time in convincing the old man that, no matter what, he wanted the pig. They settled on $20, and the salesman drove off with the brass pig propped on the dashboard.
About two miles outside of town, he looked in his rear view mirror and noticed a pig trotting down the road behind him. He thought that this was a bit amusing, until another, and still another pig joined the first. As he drove, more and more pigs joined in and followed him. The faster he went, the faster they ran.
The salesman sped on at nearly a hundred miles an hour and got a bit of a lead on the throng of pigs that were in hot pursuit. He began to realize that this was what the old man was trying to warn him about. He came to a bridge over a river deep in a gorge, stopped, rolled down his window, threw the brass pig over the side, and sped off.
He was astonished as he saw the pigs in his rear view mirror. They got to the bridge, and stormed over the side, down to their deaths on the rocks far below.
The salesman drove back to the bridge and peered over the edge at the pile of pulverized porcine pursuers that plummeted over the precipice. He got back in his car and headed back to the stop where he bought the pig only minutes earlier.
The old man was expecting him, and already had the $20 bill in his hand. “I told you it was nothin’ but trouble. Want your money back?” he asked. “No” said the salesman. “I just wanted to know if you had any brass lawyers.”
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew it was guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Persecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list went on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”
One day, a man is walking along the beach and comes across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubs it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appears. “For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie.
The man is ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the genie continues. “What catch?” asks the man, eyeing the genie suspiciously. The genie replies, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for.” “Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replies the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asks the genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appears in front of the man. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” says the genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars,” replies the man, and POOF! One million dollars appears at his feet. “Now every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the genie reminds the man. “Well, that’s OK, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replies the man.
“And what is your final wish?” asks the genie. The man thinks long and hard, and finally says, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they’re boring.
Q: What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
A: A jury.
Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
Q: What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They’re both extinct.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field below. He lowers the balloon toward the man and shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I am late to meet a friend, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “I’m happy to help. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
After a brief pause, the balloonist declares: “You must be a lawyer.”
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me I am sure is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below responds, “Indeed. And you … You must be a client.”
“Why, yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “how in the world did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $250 to spend the night with that woman.”
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, “I’ll take you up on that offer.”
After bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, “If you don’t give me the other $125, I’ll sue you for it”. He laughed, saying “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented”.
After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:
“Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant’s lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion:
“Your honor,” he said, “My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore ask that judgment not be granted.”
The young lady’s lawyer answered:
“Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted.”
In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: (a) Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff; or (b) have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages.”
The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer — do you have a locker room in the police station — a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
The Art of Direct and Cross Examination Examination
Questions Actually Asked by Trial Lawyers ——
1. Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Williamson at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Williamson was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years and you can’t remember his name?
A: No. I tell you I’m too excited (rising from witness chair). Nathan, for God’s sake tell him your name!
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with that man in Miami?
Q: Now Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by who’s death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Mary Ann Jones.
Q: And what is your marital status?
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Smith?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by him, and she said he was really good.
Q: Do you believe you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: And how many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe this man was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentinary and couldn’t pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me he had to kill me because I could identify him.
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by his ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air?
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and was able, for the time being excluding all restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Attorney: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: Gary, all your answer must be oral, okay? Now, what school did you go to?
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: And was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q: And what did he do then?
A: He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me nothing but the furniture.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: Were you shot in the fracas?
A: No. I was shot halfway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That the only kind I know.
Q: (showing a picture) That’s you?
Q: Were you present when the picture was taken?
Q: When you came out of the anesthesia, what did you observe?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of the defendant?
A: Oh, she will always tell the truth. She said she was going to kill that sonofabitch, and she did!
Q: Do you drink when you are on duty?
A: Not unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial, instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
A man walked into a bar, with a 25 foot alligator on a leash.
“Do you serve lawyers?,” he said. “Of course,” the bartender responded.”
“Great,” said the man. “I’ll have a XXXX Gold, and my friend here will have a lawyer.”
A potential client walked into the lawyer’s office and inquired about her rates.
$150.00 for the first three questions,” the lawyer replied.
The potential client asked, “Isn’t that awfully steep?”
“Yes,” said the lawyer. “And what was your third question?”
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we looked alright. But your client didn’t.”